Del Taco

1100 13th Street

Boulder.

Andrew gives Del Taco ZERO chews.

Ever since Del Taco opened on the Hill, I promised to never go there.  I obviously broke that promise, but the Hill also sold out not only to corporate America, but to Del Taco, so whatever.  I was extremely surprised to see a few choices of burgers and fries at a place that literally translates into "Of the Taco," but I was even more surprised that Del Taco didn't try to Mexicanize their names and then trademark them... Papas Del Fritas™ would be pretty fitting.

I'm not saying I hate fast food or that I'm against eating at extremely unhealthy restaurants (because obviously I did)... it's just that I really think their spot could be used to birth a restaurant that is more true to Boulder, and maybe even builds on that unique vibe that the Hill gives off. Instead, it seems that the "Mexican" chain is really just trying to use its extremely cheap, low quality menu to feed on the appetites that would come along with being extremely drunk, high or just thrifty and/or self-loathing.

I ordered three tacos: Tacos Del Carbon™ [$1.69], MACHO Taco® [$1.99], and the Crispy Fish Taco™ [$1.99].

I got the chicken version of the Tacos Del Carbon™, which are basically Tacos al Carbon, but all Delled up.  This was definitely the best taco out of the 3.

Offered in form of soft or crunchy taco, the MACHO Taco® is "packed with so much meat" that they actually tell you to "please use caution when lifting" in their website description.  As if I was scared to lose some of my precious Del Taco meat in my effort to bite the thing?  No, but I should have been more scared about how the 17 grams of fat that I was ingesting would make my body feel after eating this spiced beef taco with hot sauce and "fresh" salsa, lettuce, and cheese.  At least the beef is described as "spiced" and not "fresh," honesty is the best policy.

The Crispy Fish Taco™ was served with a fresh lime, but the freshness ends there.  It is described as a "fish filet," but I can assure you they are more like tiny little nugget things. Some of these nuggets of pre-breaded frozen Alaskan Pollock are fried up to make the taco's fishy base.  Then some abnormally hard pieces of cabbage and what was supposed to be some kind of pico de gallo salsa, or something, topped it all off. There was supposed to be some sort of "creamy secret sauce" on it, but I don't think there was any on my taco, and I'm glad about that. The entire thing was actually pretty flavorless, which is weird because the description for this taco starts off with "want flavor?" I had to douse it in all three kinds of hot sauce in order to finish it off (Del Taco's hot sauce packets are AWESOME, but we'll get to that later).  This is what Del Taco thinks their Crispy Fish Taco™ looks like, but in reality it looks like this:

By far and away, the best thing about Del Taco is their hot sauce packets.  The mild hot sauce offers a nice flavor, but without the fiery consequences.  The medium hot sauce, or more commonly referred to as Del Scorcho™, actually used to be the "beyond hot" flavor, but the Del Taco hot sauce scientists decided to demote it to "medium," which is slightly watery for some reason, but it still offers a very nice flavor in tandem with a subtle zing of hotness.  The Del Inferno™ is the "hot" option at Del Taco. It allows you to appreciate its flavors while getting a fiery burn on at the same time, which is why I took a handful home with me.

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I was getting pretty much exactly what I expected from Del Taco. If you love Boulder and it's food scene, I say we do something to get Del Taco off the Hill. I really think that they would fit in way better with Arby's, Taco Bell, Wendy's and McDonald's over near the Base Mar Shopping Center on Baseline. Who do they think they are? Better than Taco Bell? Doubtful. Assholes.

/-_-\

Lau'au's Taco Shop

Lau'au's Taco Shop

1335 North Broadway Street

Boulder.

Andrew gives La'au's Taco Shop 5 chews out of 5.

I'm not even sure how to pronounce the name of this place correctly, but I'll write about it anyway.

So I was walking past Lau'au's (yes, we're on a first name basis), and the pure aesthetic of it pulled me in and forced me to take money out of my pocket just to try it.  The psychological robbery was worth it.  Plus once I got inside, I found out they have $1 PBRs. Awesome.

It seems like this place might finally be able to obstruct the stark competition between two Mexican archrivals: the veteran Qdoba and new born Del Taco just down the street, which some students actually believe are, and label "Mexican food."  Maybe Lau'au's can teach them something.

I did not anticipate my honoring of this place with 5 chews at first... Honestly, the first 3 minutes of my experience was a huge let down, but the last part of my experience was as breath-taking as putting a vacuum cleaner on your mouth—very breath taking.

//

First 3 Minutes:

First off, the door was kind of hard to open.  It could have been my own lack of strength, or even possibly the wind outside, but ultimately there was a barrier in between me and my tacos, and I had a lot of frustration associated with that.

Secondly, after I ordered the veggie bowl and paid for it, I was informed that they had run out of the veggie option.

Last Part:

...I was about to demand a refund, but then one of the workers offered to make a replacement, to which i responded, "be creative."  His creativity was extremely well done and I appreciated that, especially because I myself am not the type to always follow the recipe.  But then again, no one pays me to do anything...and I paid for this dish, so I had some high expectations... which to my surprise, were met. Very sufficiently met.

\\

They put what seemed like nearly every ingredient they had in my dish, which was really generous and worked out well, since Mexican food can be eaten in nearly any combination or mixture, and still taste like it was made properly.  Because this restaurant has literally just opened, there weren't that many customers in there during the time I went, which was dinner time.  They definitely deserve more traffic than that, so all I have to say is that if you ever walk by this place and do not stop in to try it, you are an asshole.

Kathmandu Restaurant

Kathmandu Restaurant

110 North Jefferson Street

Nederland.

Andrew gives Kathmandu 4.5 chews out of 5.

$9 all-you-can-eat-buffet? what more can you ask for after hiking (or not), especially if it's nepalese/indian food?! EAT HERE!!!

That is all I really have to say, so I will conclude this with the following:

(note: This is a completely satirical article that is meant to mimic The Onion newspaper. While some parts of the story are real, none of the "facts" or quotations presented in the article are intended, or proven to be true.)
__________________________________

This is a tribute to The Onion.

Nepalese restaurant owner mistakes the the Rocky Mountains for the Himalayas.

by Andrew

It was 20 years ago when Rasham Gurung, owner of the family-owned Kathmandu Restaurant in Nederland CO, got on a plane to escape the annoying tourists who flooded her Himalayan town.  She was looking for a town that better represented her heritage.  Gurung said she "was sick of hearing about all of the American's who would come and eat at my restaurant before dying on our mountains. They were ruining our culture!"  It was that very mentality that led her to board a plane, and get out of "that sherpa shit hole."  It was a real surprise to Gurung when her plane ride lasted nearly 14 hours.  "I was worried at first because I couldn't see the Himalayas out of the window, but then I was more worried when I got off the plane, and I was at a mysterious unnamed airport in Nederland, Colorado," says Gurung about the incident.  She admits that even though she was nervous and sobbing, the mistake was one of the best of her life.  "I only realized how much hikers love all-you-can-eat-buffets once I got to Colorado.  People are always active, so I thought they would need a lot of food."  Gurung was right, even the most cutting-edge scientific research shows that hiking makes people hungry.  Nutritionist Rachel Goldsmith explains that "hiking is a physical activity, which has a caloric cost related to it.  People need food to replenish that cost."  

Harvey Kalther, a regular at Kathmandu, says "it was so good I could barely finish my sixth plate." Harvey currently hikes 23 miles everyday so he can practice taking advantage of this "eighth wonder of the world."

After Gurung confirmed her thought by reading Goldsmith's explanation—which she found using Google—she knew she could only do one thing:  "This is when I started making the only food I knew how, and people just loved it," she says.

At first when Gurung's family heard about the airlines mistake, they were indifferent. However, after Gurung informed them of her success, they decided to immediately join her.  "I just had to get a piece of that shit," is the way Gurung's fourth cousin, Yangani, put it.  This is how the success transformed into a warm family restaurant. Although Yangani says that "it was almost like the restaurant started the family."

"I thought it was funny," says Gurung, "American's caused this accident, then they helped me solve it."  Gurung then incidentally mentioned, "I hope America can do something like this with all their other problems."

_________________

Boulder Greens

Boulder Greens

1135 Broadway Street, B

Boulder.

Andrew gives Boulder Greens 4 chews out of 5.

After displaying very healthy choices on a two section menu of salads and wraps, and also featuring a very reasonable custom order option, Boulder Greens is finally confirmed as not being a Medical Marijuana Dispensary.

Boulder Greens is a salad and wrap joint located underneath an art supply store on the Hill. After I ordered a custom wrap (obviously I got a custom one because I think my creations are good, whether or not it is true), I sat outside on the patio, which has a great view of the cars rushing down Broadway. It also has a great view of curious students who walk by on the sidewalk with a facial expression that makes it obvious they are thinking, "What is Boulder Greens? Why is it hanging out in the shadows under an art supply store? Do they serve salad?…or…what? Marijuana?" Their faces have such strong expressions that their pores actually dilate and shout that quotation. Anyway, I wanted to be the first person to go out of their way and formally announce that no, Boulder Greens is not what you think it is. It is just a salad place. Well, and wraps.

Anyway, back to my brilliant custom wrap. The checklist that I had to fill out (myself…ugh) was slightly confusing. It said I could check in 8 items to build my own unique wrap. I did exactly that. When I gave the cash register lady my custom wrap card with all my items checked off, she kind of suggested that the tortilla and lettuce choices didn't count as part of the 8. Did I get gypped? (Sorry to my massive gypsy following on this blog for using such a derogatory term.) Furthermore, since I thought tortilla and lettuce both counted as a selection, and since I wanted to get as many vegetables on my wrap as possible, I neglected to pick a salad dressing. I felt that given 8 options, I could exclude salad dressing and get away with a pretty good wrap; however, if I knew I could have picked (technically) 10 boxes, including a tortilla and lettuce, I might have even picked TWO dressings. Who knows!? Knowing that, the lady asked if I wanted dressing. I told her no, trying to make it seem like I knew that I had already built the best wrap ever, even though inside I really wanted some balsamic vinaigrette tossed into it. I ended up just using the (FREE!) bottle of Tapatío hot sauce that was sitting on the table on the patio to lather my wrap. It just felt right at the time.

So there are basically four things you need to know about Boulder Greens. (1) If you ever go there and wonder where all the people walking up the adjacent stairs are going, don't worry…they are just super indie and buying art supplies. (2) If you order custom, make sure you are aware of all the rules first so you can optimize your experience. (3) This is in fact a salad place, granted they can also wrap their salads in a tortilla, hence the wrap selection. (4) I am very happy to say that at this fine establishment there were absolutely no assholes.

Dusty Boot

Dusty Boot

St. James Place, #304

Beaver Creek.

Andrew gives Dusty Boot 1 chew out of 5.

I hate terrible service. My tip reflects it.

I am a true tipper. I don't give you anything you don't deserve. I'm not a standard 15-20% tipper. I would be willing to pay only 35 cents as a tip for a $18.65 meal. In fact, I did exactly that at the Dusty Boot.

We sat down to order at this restaurant, and I was doing just fine. Finer than normal, actually. Then we ordered. I said I'd have the vegetarian fajitas. The waitress asked if I wanted the side of guacamole. Naturally, I asked if it costs extra money. She said, "yeah, $2.00," and I said, "no thanks." She then responded in this ridiculous tone while she said "well this is gonna be a great night!" It was just rude. I literally could not get her tone, or her obvious expectation for a higher priced check out of my head for the entire meal.

When my vegetarian fajitas came, the only two things I could think were, "god this bitch is the scum of the service world" and "why is there broccoli in my fajitas." Broccoli is a great vegetable, it is just not part of a fajita. It is simply not mexican. I love you broccoli, but it's just not your dish. I got over the broccoli fast, like pretty damn fast actually... But I didn't forgive our waitress for her obnoxious desire for me to have $2.00 guacamole.

I don't know your name, waitress, but I left my blog URL on the check, so I hope you found it. Pissing me off about $2.00 guacamole will cost you more than it ever could have earned you. You didn't even deserve the 35 cents, I just did that so my bill would be an even $19.00, you asshole.

Joan's on Third

Joan's On Third

8350 West 3rd Street

Los Angeles.

Andrew gives Joan's on Third 3 chews out of 5.

"We're not in it for the food, we're in it for the environment"

—fake quotation from the owner of Joan's on Third.

So the highly acclaimed Joan's—located just blocks from my house on West 3rd Street—has surprisingly mediocre food. You would never guess this while looking at the huge congregation of people waiting outside (to be explained later). I have been to Joan's many times, but have never felt so strongly about it to go and bash it as I plan on doing in this review. I have ordered many things from sandwiches, combinations of several gourmet appetizers/sides, to salads that could last longer than Thanksgiving leftovers.

My most recent trip to Joan's felt like it was off to a good start when I ordered the Chinese Chicken Salad. Classic. After I received my number (97, if anyone wanted to know), my friend, Alex, and I went to look for a table. We went outside. No seats. We went inside. No seats. We went outside again. Then we even contemplated sitting at the communal table. There were two seats left, across from each other, perfect. The only thing was that there was a huge indoor plant on the table which acted as a barrier between the two seats, not optimal. How social. So this is what that big outside congregation of people was about. They were searching for seating. Then I realized, this is what this place is all about...people don't come here because they like food, it's because they like having a ridiculously hard time finding a comfortable place to sit. There is not enough accommodations for all the hungry trendy people. Finally, we thought we had found a table, but then one of the servers who worked at Joan's did not allow us to sit there, and proceeded to call a group of 4 pretty girls over to sit at the table. Then I realized, "okay so now this is either (a) about looks; or (b) sucking a Mexican dick." I was not into either of these ideas. After about 14 minutes of searching, our legs finally came to a rest when a nice couple made eye contact with us and used eye/body gestures to tell us "here quick come snatch our seats before the other vicious chair hunters come and kill you with their chair hunting knives." Very nice couple with a very large gesture vocabulary.

Conveniently, our food came right as we sat down. Since any rational person would say food quality is directly proportional to the time of food preparation, I expected a good meal—especially being at Joan's and all. Alex got a Roast Beef Sandwich, and quickly decided that amongst his search for the best RB Sandwich, this one was strictly dominated by that of Clementine. Weak competition with a very similar cafe, Joan's! My salad was good for anyone who loves having a heavy doughy feeling after taking one bite. That's what I look for in salad, I want the heaviest possible food, with the doughiest, starchiest aftertaste. Right? The ratio of wontons to lettuce pieces in my salad was probably about 10 to 2. I'm not kidding...if i was lucky enough to find 4 pieces of lettuce, I was forced by the manager, the owner, and all the chefs to eat 20 wontons in that same bite. It was terrible and almost made me cry. The worst part was how they forgot to bring us water, which led to a terrible starchy residue that eventually almost glued my mouth closed. That actually could have been a good result. So a losing Roast Beef Sandwich and a heavy, starchy salad...Joan's definitely is not about the food.

So what is the hype? What is this place all about? Well I thought it was about the atmosphere. I don't like to say it is, because personally, I'm not about a viciously competitive chair hunting environment. To each his own. Well, this restaurant could be all about their Sweet & Crunchy Pickles. They are seriously fantastic.

Let me just end this by saying I hated all my fellow chair hunters for trying to deprive me of a seat. Assholes.

Umami Burger

Umami Burger

850 South La Brea Boulevard

Los Angeles.

Andrew gives Umami Burger 5 chews out of 5.

Today, I had my first real hamburger. My life isn't average. The opposite of FML. (323): I just experienced Umami Burger.

Before we talk food, lets talk parking. No one wants to pay any kind of money to a parking attendant standing in front of any restaurant to have him park your car in front of you in plain sight. It always makes me wonder why I can't just park it myself...so that's exactly what I do at Umami burger. Go one street east of La Brea and there is 2 hour parking in a permitted neighborhood. Don't let those parking attendants at Umami make themselves feel like they earned anything by simply driving your car 5 feet away from you and then parking it, because that is a service no one needs... unless they get off on strangers people parking their car.

When you step into Umami Burger the first few things you will think are, "nice little-kid drawings above the register" and "wow, what is that guy eating." First off, those little kid drawings are probably done by adults, and secondly "that guy" is probably eating the Umami Burger. Who wouldn't play it safe by ordering the burger named after the restaurant? Or did the egg come before the chicken? Either way, the Umami Burger is a good choice to share the name of the restaurant. It has a roasted tomato, a perfectly cooked shitake mushroom, and a crunchy cheese cracker all stacked perfectly on top of the most perfected, most well cooked, most delicious tasting, juicy hamburger patty I have ever had. Not only that, this stack is all contained inside the perfectly cooked, crunchy-on-the-outside-but-softer-on-the-inside bun. When you look at this hamburger it makes you think of the typical hamburger you'd see in a cartoon from the 70s, or rather, any cartoon for that matter. It is almost ball shaped. A delicious ball shape of a hamburger. Also, the shape and consistency of the whole hamburger makes it super easy to cut in half if you want to share with a friend, lover, co-worker, or even a stranger. This makes it easy to order only one burger but then be able to sample 2 burgers by trading with someone. Don't trade with strangers, that was a joke.

All the hamburgers have the perfect toppings, the perfect bun, and the perfectly cooked patty which makes the burger so juicy and perfect. I really can't go through describing each burger because this post would be a million pages long. I'll ordinally rank my favorites with brief descriptions.

(1) The Umami Burger — Previously described.

(2) The Truffle Burger — So truffly a pig would die from over-sensation. Truffle oil in the burgers juice, truffle cheese as a topping, but most importantly, more truffle glaze on top of the patty.

(3) The Hatch— Perfectly spicy and juicy

at the same time. It reminds me of firemen popping out of a hatch, even though the burger isn't that spicy at all...it would never need firemen to help put out the flames.

(4) The So-Cal Burger— Don't be turned off by this incredibly lame name, it's a good burger. If you are the type of person who would order California Roll at a fancy sushi bar, you'd probably like this burger, even though the two have almost nothing in common aside from avocado.

NOTE: Concerning The Manly Burger. Not only does it look like the most probable cause for artery blockage due to sandwich digestion I've ever seen in person, but the actual burger itself doesn't look like the rest... it looks like a human heart having a heart attack on a plate. Actually, it probably tastes amazing. Below is The Manly Burger, only with minimal heart attack. The one I saw in person had far more overflowing cheese and bacon.

A few other side notes. The ginger ale that they serve is bottled, and the server said it's good and made from real ginger, but it just does not compare to Reed's Ginger Brew. So if you are a fan of Reed's, don't be let down by any of the servers recommendation to this "ginger" ale.

Get skinny fries, not fat fries. That is just common sense, though. They have a really great garlic aioli and a home made ketchup that they bring with it in a little asian style soup eating spoon. The asian soup spoons make sense becuase Umami is an asian word. Japanese, actually. So I guess the spoons are more specifically Japanese.

Oh also, if you like beets, get the Truffle Beet Salad. Really good and light to have right before your heavy, beautiful, luciously-juicy, dripping with love burger.

When you get your bill, remember to write the total, and don't leave your number on the check... even if it's a joke. I left my number on the check as a joke. A male server, who was not the lady serving us, ran after me as we left the restaurant. It scared me because I thought I unconsciously broke a law that says "do not leave your number on restaurant checks," or something. He told me I forgot to write the total in the allotted space. I felt like an idiot. It was super awkward trying to write the total in against the stucco wall of a building down the block from the restaurant as the server looked over my shoulder and could blatantly see my phone number written above my signature. If he questioned it, I was thinking I would tell him that it is simply part of my signature, kind of like how Shaquille O'Neal used to follow his signature with "#34" when he signed Laker oriented items. The server who chased me down into an awkward confrontation, he's an asshole.

John's Restaurant

John's Restaurant

2328 Pearl Street

Boulder.

Andrew gives John's Restaurant 5 chews out of 5.

My cousin found this restaurant on Zagat. The name is as creative as my dogs name, "Lucky," but the food is as brilliant as Einstein's butt-child with DaVinci.

This is the kind of restaurant where you look at the menu and you hate it because it's so good. So good that you can't decide on which main course you want. The waiter asked me what I wanted and I was still deciding between about 6 entrées. I got the grilled asparagus to start...and for my entrée I said I'd have the scallops, which pretty much came out of my mouth impulsively since I still wasn't set on what I actually wanted to order.

I dined on fine bread, beautifully designed butter and Pellegrino while waiting for my dish. Every time the waiters tended to my area of the table they said, "excuse my reach." I kept on thinking to myself, "I feel bad for how polite this gentleman feels he has to be." The only part about the waitstaff that I hated was that they were...well...I guess they were just too polite.

My asparagus came. I enjoyed it. It was a nice soothing combination of goat cheese and yellow beets. Oh, and of course, asparagus. This dish inspired one of the boldest asparagus scented urinations I have ever experienced, which in my opinion drastically enhanced this dish.

I got my scallops. They were big, perfectly browned on both sides, and decorated on the plate beautifully. Chorizo and lentils were wrapped and braised in a soft cabbage leaf (a bizarre looking, yet sophisticated taste to the plate). The scallops were on top of/surrounded by a reddish-orange sauce as well as a bluish-green sauce. The dish depicted an island; the chorizo-lentil-cabbage-combo represented an island surrounded by orange sand (sauce) and even further surrounded by the blue ocean (sauce). The scallops were inhabitants of the island. I was the monster from the sky who ate all the inhabitants and simultaneously destroyed the island by mixing it with the sand and ocean. One word can describe this meal in its entirety, "wow." I was wowed.

The dessert menu came, which made me angry because I was so full from devouring my island of scallop-people. I got the cheesecake anyway, because my cousin lied to the restaurant by telling them it was my birthday, and therefore making me feel obligated to get a dessert. The restaurant was out of candles, so they wrote "Happy Birthday" in chocolate on the plate. My cousin fixed the candle problem by putting the tables oil lit candle on my plate and forcing me to blow it out. We then demanded the waiter to relight it. He did. I ate the cheesecake. I was too full and satisfied at this point to remember any further encounters at this fabulous restaurant.

Everyone should go here. It may be pricey to go multiple times, but at least go once. If you don't, you're an asshole.

Khow Thai

Khow Thai
1600 Broadway Street
Boulder.
 
Andrew gives Khow Thai 3 chews out of 5.

This place was a good joint to get a quick Thai fix. This is the only Thai restaurant I have been to in Boulder. I had a great meal here, but this was before I knew the extremely bold statement by Boulder Weekly to determine Khow Thai's food as the best Thai food in the county. Having said that, I am really curious to see the quality of other local Thai food. Let me tell you why I think Boulder Weekly's statement lessens the meaning of the word "best."

We got one of those complimentary soups before we ordered. If this soup reflected the restaurant as a whole, I would have stood up and left. Sweet and Sour Soup, as they call it, consists of a mucous textured sweet and sour broth, with a few chunks of tofu, and some strings of, well...I'm not really sure. First off, the tofu was overcooked, hard and dry. The overall taste of the soup was a very bland sweet and sour taste with reminiscent aftertastes of SpaghettiO's. i decided to stay because I was hungry and it is ridiculous to leave a restaurant only judging it by a free soup; after all, it was free. I ordered two of my favorite Thai dishes here: the Beef Salad and Chicken Satey. Good news first. The Chicken Satey was really good. The chicken was perfectly tender and the peanut sauce was the perfectly thick. Now the bad news. The Beef Salad looked like a colorful mix of mint, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, and of course beef. It had that spicy, limey smell that it is usually associated with, so I though, "great." I took a few bites and it tasted pretty good, like my favorite Thai salad should. A few bites into the salad, when I started getting more pieces of meat, I noticed that the meat actually tasted like Philly Cheesesteak. Don't get me wrong, I love a good Cheesesteak, but I don't like Philly Cheesesteak flavored meat in my Thai Beef Salad. Just to make sure it wasn't my poor judgement, I consulted my dinner partner, Matthew McGuire, and he agreed that the beef in his dish tasted like a Philly Cheesesteak. So my conclusion on the salad ingredients is the follwing: salad and dressing, yes; beef, no. My conclusion on the salad as a whole: good/interesting, yes; Thai, almost.

I got up in the middle of the meal to use the restroom, and was alarmed when I tried to exit, but couldn't. I thought I had locked myself in the restroom. I twisted the handle and pushed and pulled, but nothing! I felt like an idiot. When I finally managed to returned to the table I told Matthew about my incident. Again he confirmed that I was not in the wrong when later in the meal he almost got locked in the bathroom, too.

Overall, the restaurant had a great environment. The wait staff was great and really nice. My jacket fell off the back of my chair, and a member of the wait staff was nice enough to pick it up off the floor and put it back on my chair. What a sweetheart! On the whole, very helpful people and great service.

I looked into the kitchen to see if the chefs were as great as the waitresses. I only saw Latinos and white people. I'm not implying that Latinos and white people are notorious for making red meat taste like Philly Cheesesteak, but I'm saying that the first thought that went through my head was, "maybe the meat was wronged by the chefs not being Thai."

All in all, aside from the inedible free soup, imprisoning restrooms, the Philly Cheesesteak flavored red meat, I enjoyed my meal; however, I would never categorize this restaurant as "best," even without having dined at other Thai places in the area. So to Khow Thai I say, "good job," with a pat on the back. And to Boulder Weekly I say, "assholes."

Rincon del Sol

Rincon del Sol

2350 Arapahoe Avenue

Boulder.

Andrew gives Rincon del Sol 2.5 chews out of 5.

Is this place even a Mexican restaurant? Isn't Rincon spelled with a "ó" not an "o?" Rincón means corner in English, but Rincon means rincon in English, which we all know means jack shit. The name might as well be in English, because the quality of this Mexican food is definitely translated into American as well. This place basically shouts, "one thumb up!"

I don't really remember any interaction with the wait staff, except for this one time when a lady took away our basket of chips and returned it nice and full. That was nice, because one of my friends is on a low budget and was only going to eat the free chips and salsa.

I had looked up the menu online before I arrived at the restaurant...$12.99 for my chosen dish, "Pollo Mole Poblano." When I got to the restaurant I opened the menu to make sure they still served it. They did, except they upped the price to $13.99. I was already set on Mole Poblano, which made me feel fucked out of a dollar. I love Mole Poblano. Or at least I thought I did. Maybe I only love the Mole Poblano that is actually categorized as "Mexican." According to the menu (which already robbed me of $1) the mole contains poblano peppers, apples, chocolate, and toasted pumpkin and sesame seeds. To me, the mole consisted of brown and salt.

Also, the menu told me that my brown salty chicken came with a side of beans, rice, and tortillas. I was perfectly fine with the rice and tortillas, but I have never felt so restricted by beans. In Mexico "beans" aren't limited to refried beans with a little melted cheese on top, but I guess at Rincon del Sol that is the only choice. Don't get me wrong, the beans they gave me tasted great in mere comparison to the mole. It's just...couldn't they write "refried beans" on the menu so they don't have to crush my hopes of having an alternate option?

After experiencing my first bite of chicken I wasn't very surprised when I finished everything on my plate, aside from the chicken. Having said that, when they gave me the option of boxing it up, I accepted (I'd rather have shitty left overs than no leftovers, especially after being one dollar more broke than I should be.) They brought me a box, and put it on the table. This pissed me off. I wanted them to put the food in the box for me. So they think they can pass their salty brown chicken dish as Pollo Mole Poblano, steal one of my prized dollars, limit my options regarding the beans, and expect me to box up my own food? Did they think I actually had the energy to even box it up myself after enduring their rendition of Mole Poblano? If they really wanted to earn the dollar that I felt I truly did not owe them, they could have at least boxed up my shitty chicken. Assholes.

Shamshiri

Shamshiri Grill

1712 Westwood Blvd.

Los Angeles.

Andrew gives Shamshiri Grill 1 chew out of 5.

Heard this was good. WELL IT'S NOT. At least in my experience last night.

After asking our waiter for help due to the confusion caused by the menu, he took advantage of our fresh acquaintance with the restaurant by misleading us into ordering too many things for the amount of people we had. He tried to coax us into getting the most expensive dish on the menu (probably to inflate his tip), and when we told him we did not want it, he brought it anyway. After sending it back to the kitchen he brought us our Lamb Shwarma Platter. Receiving this dish made me happy because it was the first thing that happened right since we got our water; however, the platter consisted of bland, chewy lamb which looked like minced dog food accompanied by some grilled onion chunks. The Chicken Shamshiri was good, but could have fed a man looking to win a chicken and rice eating contest. The waiter then brought us the bill with 15% tip included. High expectations for such low quality performance, eh?

It was either his passive aggressive sarcasm or his true appreciation for constructive criticism that leaked out when he exclaimed, "thanks! hope to see you soon!" in response to me telling him I refused to pay the tip in full. I think it was the true appreciation for the criticism. NOT. Asshole.