Umami Burger

Umami Burger

850 South La Brea Boulevard

Los Angeles.

Andrew gives Umami Burger 5 chews out of 5.

Today, I had my first real hamburger. My life isn't average. The opposite of FML. (323): I just experienced Umami Burger.

Before we talk food, lets talk parking. No one wants to pay any kind of money to a parking attendant standing in front of any restaurant to have him park your car in front of you in plain sight. It always makes me wonder why I can't just park it myself...so that's exactly what I do at Umami burger. Go one street east of La Brea and there is 2 hour parking in a permitted neighborhood. Don't let those parking attendants at Umami make themselves feel like they earned anything by simply driving your car 5 feet away from you and then parking it, because that is a service no one needs... unless they get off on strangers people parking their car.

When you step into Umami Burger the first few things you will think are, "nice little-kid drawings above the register" and "wow, what is that guy eating." First off, those little kid drawings are probably done by adults, and secondly "that guy" is probably eating the Umami Burger. Who wouldn't play it safe by ordering the burger named after the restaurant? Or did the egg come before the chicken? Either way, the Umami Burger is a good choice to share the name of the restaurant. It has a roasted tomato, a perfectly cooked shitake mushroom, and a crunchy cheese cracker all stacked perfectly on top of the most perfected, most well cooked, most delicious tasting, juicy hamburger patty I have ever had. Not only that, this stack is all contained inside the perfectly cooked, crunchy-on-the-outside-but-softer-on-the-inside bun. When you look at this hamburger it makes you think of the typical hamburger you'd see in a cartoon from the 70s, or rather, any cartoon for that matter. It is almost ball shaped. A delicious ball shape of a hamburger. Also, the shape and consistency of the whole hamburger makes it super easy to cut in half if you want to share with a friend, lover, co-worker, or even a stranger. This makes it easy to order only one burger but then be able to sample 2 burgers by trading with someone. Don't trade with strangers, that was a joke.

All the hamburgers have the perfect toppings, the perfect bun, and the perfectly cooked patty which makes the burger so juicy and perfect. I really can't go through describing each burger because this post would be a million pages long. I'll ordinally rank my favorites with brief descriptions.

(1) The Umami Burger — Previously described.

(2) The Truffle Burger — So truffly a pig would die from over-sensation. Truffle oil in the burgers juice, truffle cheese as a topping, but most importantly, more truffle glaze on top of the patty.

(3) The Hatch— Perfectly spicy and juicy

at the same time. It reminds me of firemen popping out of a hatch, even though the burger isn't that spicy at all...it would never need firemen to help put out the flames.

(4) The So-Cal Burger— Don't be turned off by this incredibly lame name, it's a good burger. If you are the type of person who would order California Roll at a fancy sushi bar, you'd probably like this burger, even though the two have almost nothing in common aside from avocado.

NOTE: Concerning The Manly Burger. Not only does it look like the most probable cause for artery blockage due to sandwich digestion I've ever seen in person, but the actual burger itself doesn't look like the rest... it looks like a human heart having a heart attack on a plate. Actually, it probably tastes amazing. Below is The Manly Burger, only with minimal heart attack. The one I saw in person had far more overflowing cheese and bacon.

A few other side notes. The ginger ale that they serve is bottled, and the server said it's good and made from real ginger, but it just does not compare to Reed's Ginger Brew. So if you are a fan of Reed's, don't be let down by any of the servers recommendation to this "ginger" ale.

Get skinny fries, not fat fries. That is just common sense, though. They have a really great garlic aioli and a home made ketchup that they bring with it in a little asian style soup eating spoon. The asian soup spoons make sense becuase Umami is an asian word. Japanese, actually. So I guess the spoons are more specifically Japanese.

Oh also, if you like beets, get the Truffle Beet Salad. Really good and light to have right before your heavy, beautiful, luciously-juicy, dripping with love burger.

When you get your bill, remember to write the total, and don't leave your number on the check... even if it's a joke. I left my number on the check as a joke. A male server, who was not the lady serving us, ran after me as we left the restaurant. It scared me because I thought I unconsciously broke a law that says "do not leave your number on restaurant checks," or something. He told me I forgot to write the total in the allotted space. I felt like an idiot. It was super awkward trying to write the total in against the stucco wall of a building down the block from the restaurant as the server looked over my shoulder and could blatantly see my phone number written above my signature. If he questioned it, I was thinking I would tell him that it is simply part of my signature, kind of like how Shaquille O'Neal used to follow his signature with "#34" when he signed Laker oriented items. The server who chased me down into an awkward confrontation, he's an asshole.

John's Restaurant

John's Restaurant

2328 Pearl Street

Boulder.

Andrew gives John's Restaurant 5 chews out of 5.

My cousin found this restaurant on Zagat. The name is as creative as my dogs name, "Lucky," but the food is as brilliant as Einstein's butt-child with DaVinci.

This is the kind of restaurant where you look at the menu and you hate it because it's so good. So good that you can't decide on which main course you want. The waiter asked me what I wanted and I was still deciding between about 6 entrées. I got the grilled asparagus to start...and for my entrée I said I'd have the scallops, which pretty much came out of my mouth impulsively since I still wasn't set on what I actually wanted to order.

I dined on fine bread, beautifully designed butter and Pellegrino while waiting for my dish. Every time the waiters tended to my area of the table they said, "excuse my reach." I kept on thinking to myself, "I feel bad for how polite this gentleman feels he has to be." The only part about the waitstaff that I hated was that they were...well...I guess they were just too polite.

My asparagus came. I enjoyed it. It was a nice soothing combination of goat cheese and yellow beets. Oh, and of course, asparagus. This dish inspired one of the boldest asparagus scented urinations I have ever experienced, which in my opinion drastically enhanced this dish.

I got my scallops. They were big, perfectly browned on both sides, and decorated on the plate beautifully. Chorizo and lentils were wrapped and braised in a soft cabbage leaf (a bizarre looking, yet sophisticated taste to the plate). The scallops were on top of/surrounded by a reddish-orange sauce as well as a bluish-green sauce. The dish depicted an island; the chorizo-lentil-cabbage-combo represented an island surrounded by orange sand (sauce) and even further surrounded by the blue ocean (sauce). The scallops were inhabitants of the island. I was the monster from the sky who ate all the inhabitants and simultaneously destroyed the island by mixing it with the sand and ocean. One word can describe this meal in its entirety, "wow." I was wowed.

The dessert menu came, which made me angry because I was so full from devouring my island of scallop-people. I got the cheesecake anyway, because my cousin lied to the restaurant by telling them it was my birthday, and therefore making me feel obligated to get a dessert. The restaurant was out of candles, so they wrote "Happy Birthday" in chocolate on the plate. My cousin fixed the candle problem by putting the tables oil lit candle on my plate and forcing me to blow it out. We then demanded the waiter to relight it. He did. I ate the cheesecake. I was too full and satisfied at this point to remember any further encounters at this fabulous restaurant.

Everyone should go here. It may be pricey to go multiple times, but at least go once. If you don't, you're an asshole.

Khow Thai

Khow Thai
1600 Broadway Street
Boulder.
 
Andrew gives Khow Thai 3 chews out of 5.

This place was a good joint to get a quick Thai fix. This is the only Thai restaurant I have been to in Boulder. I had a great meal here, but this was before I knew the extremely bold statement by Boulder Weekly to determine Khow Thai's food as the best Thai food in the county. Having said that, I am really curious to see the quality of other local Thai food. Let me tell you why I think Boulder Weekly's statement lessens the meaning of the word "best."

We got one of those complimentary soups before we ordered. If this soup reflected the restaurant as a whole, I would have stood up and left. Sweet and Sour Soup, as they call it, consists of a mucous textured sweet and sour broth, with a few chunks of tofu, and some strings of, well...I'm not really sure. First off, the tofu was overcooked, hard and dry. The overall taste of the soup was a very bland sweet and sour taste with reminiscent aftertastes of SpaghettiO's. i decided to stay because I was hungry and it is ridiculous to leave a restaurant only judging it by a free soup; after all, it was free. I ordered two of my favorite Thai dishes here: the Beef Salad and Chicken Satey. Good news first. The Chicken Satey was really good. The chicken was perfectly tender and the peanut sauce was the perfectly thick. Now the bad news. The Beef Salad looked like a colorful mix of mint, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, and of course beef. It had that spicy, limey smell that it is usually associated with, so I though, "great." I took a few bites and it tasted pretty good, like my favorite Thai salad should. A few bites into the salad, when I started getting more pieces of meat, I noticed that the meat actually tasted like Philly Cheesesteak. Don't get me wrong, I love a good Cheesesteak, but I don't like Philly Cheesesteak flavored meat in my Thai Beef Salad. Just to make sure it wasn't my poor judgement, I consulted my dinner partner, Matthew McGuire, and he agreed that the beef in his dish tasted like a Philly Cheesesteak. So my conclusion on the salad ingredients is the follwing: salad and dressing, yes; beef, no. My conclusion on the salad as a whole: good/interesting, yes; Thai, almost.

I got up in the middle of the meal to use the restroom, and was alarmed when I tried to exit, but couldn't. I thought I had locked myself in the restroom. I twisted the handle and pushed and pulled, but nothing! I felt like an idiot. When I finally managed to returned to the table I told Matthew about my incident. Again he confirmed that I was not in the wrong when later in the meal he almost got locked in the bathroom, too.

Overall, the restaurant had a great environment. The wait staff was great and really nice. My jacket fell off the back of my chair, and a member of the wait staff was nice enough to pick it up off the floor and put it back on my chair. What a sweetheart! On the whole, very helpful people and great service.

I looked into the kitchen to see if the chefs were as great as the waitresses. I only saw Latinos and white people. I'm not implying that Latinos and white people are notorious for making red meat taste like Philly Cheesesteak, but I'm saying that the first thought that went through my head was, "maybe the meat was wronged by the chefs not being Thai."

All in all, aside from the inedible free soup, imprisoning restrooms, the Philly Cheesesteak flavored red meat, I enjoyed my meal; however, I would never categorize this restaurant as "best," even without having dined at other Thai places in the area. So to Khow Thai I say, "good job," with a pat on the back. And to Boulder Weekly I say, "assholes."

Rincon del Sol

Rincon del Sol

2350 Arapahoe Avenue

Boulder.

Andrew gives Rincon del Sol 2.5 chews out of 5.

Is this place even a Mexican restaurant? Isn't Rincon spelled with a "ó" not an "o?" Rincón means corner in English, but Rincon means rincon in English, which we all know means jack shit. The name might as well be in English, because the quality of this Mexican food is definitely translated into American as well. This place basically shouts, "one thumb up!"

I don't really remember any interaction with the wait staff, except for this one time when a lady took away our basket of chips and returned it nice and full. That was nice, because one of my friends is on a low budget and was only going to eat the free chips and salsa.

I had looked up the menu online before I arrived at the restaurant...$12.99 for my chosen dish, "Pollo Mole Poblano." When I got to the restaurant I opened the menu to make sure they still served it. They did, except they upped the price to $13.99. I was already set on Mole Poblano, which made me feel fucked out of a dollar. I love Mole Poblano. Or at least I thought I did. Maybe I only love the Mole Poblano that is actually categorized as "Mexican." According to the menu (which already robbed me of $1) the mole contains poblano peppers, apples, chocolate, and toasted pumpkin and sesame seeds. To me, the mole consisted of brown and salt.

Also, the menu told me that my brown salty chicken came with a side of beans, rice, and tortillas. I was perfectly fine with the rice and tortillas, but I have never felt so restricted by beans. In Mexico "beans" aren't limited to refried beans with a little melted cheese on top, but I guess at Rincon del Sol that is the only choice. Don't get me wrong, the beans they gave me tasted great in mere comparison to the mole. It's just...couldn't they write "refried beans" on the menu so they don't have to crush my hopes of having an alternate option?

After experiencing my first bite of chicken I wasn't very surprised when I finished everything on my plate, aside from the chicken. Having said that, when they gave me the option of boxing it up, I accepted (I'd rather have shitty left overs than no leftovers, especially after being one dollar more broke than I should be.) They brought me a box, and put it on the table. This pissed me off. I wanted them to put the food in the box for me. So they think they can pass their salty brown chicken dish as Pollo Mole Poblano, steal one of my prized dollars, limit my options regarding the beans, and expect me to box up my own food? Did they think I actually had the energy to even box it up myself after enduring their rendition of Mole Poblano? If they really wanted to earn the dollar that I felt I truly did not owe them, they could have at least boxed up my shitty chicken. Assholes.

Shamshiri

Shamshiri Grill

1712 Westwood Blvd.

Los Angeles.

Andrew gives Shamshiri Grill 1 chew out of 5.

Heard this was good. WELL IT'S NOT. At least in my experience last night.

After asking our waiter for help due to the confusion caused by the menu, he took advantage of our fresh acquaintance with the restaurant by misleading us into ordering too many things for the amount of people we had. He tried to coax us into getting the most expensive dish on the menu (probably to inflate his tip), and when we told him we did not want it, he brought it anyway. After sending it back to the kitchen he brought us our Lamb Shwarma Platter. Receiving this dish made me happy because it was the first thing that happened right since we got our water; however, the platter consisted of bland, chewy lamb which looked like minced dog food accompanied by some grilled onion chunks. The Chicken Shamshiri was good, but could have fed a man looking to win a chicken and rice eating contest. The waiter then brought us the bill with 15% tip included. High expectations for such low quality performance, eh?

It was either his passive aggressive sarcasm or his true appreciation for constructive criticism that leaked out when he exclaimed, "thanks! hope to see you soon!" in response to me telling him I refused to pay the tip in full. I think it was the true appreciation for the criticism. NOT. Asshole.